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I do not believe that it would come to anyone's surprise, man or woman, that communication is the backbone of a successful relationship. Romantic relationship, a business relationship, or even among friends. With so much importance, why do so many people suck at it? I can only speak from my own experience and that of the men I have worked with, but we must believe in the ability to read minds for some unspoken reason. Most men will not express emotion unless it comes boiling to the top in the form of anger. Extreme cases may result in breaking down with years worth of emotions that come in various forms. The most common breakdown I see and am probably guilty of myself comes from premeditated resentments.
The concept of premeditated resentments originated in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and is referred to as "Expectations are premeditated resentments." Although the term was coined as a slogan to help keep addicts from using other people as a reason to relapse, I believe it can be a valuable lesson for all of us. Please take a moment and think about the last time you got angry at another person. Was there an unmet expectation involved? To help clarify the point, here are a few questions that you can ask yourself before getting angry and hurt.
Did the other person or persons know what is expected?
How did they know what is expected?
Did you discuss with them what you wanted or needed?
Should they have already known? (mind reading)
What is your part in this disagreement?
As you look at this list, I hope a common theme starts to jump out at you. If you don't ask for or communicate what you need, you set up the other person for failure. The idea that the other person "should know" has been the start of many arguments. I imagine a few conversations (arguments) are coming to the forefront of your mind right now. Yes, as we get to know someone and get to know you many times, we can have the foresight to learn many things. Unfortunately, the longer we are around someone, the less we communicate and the more we take for granted that they should already know. I challenge you to talk about and ask for what you need over the next few days and see how this newfound communication improves your relationship. I will leave you with one last quote, "A closed mouth goes hungry!"
At Mind Works Counseling Services, we specialize in Men's Issues geared towards helping with better communication and other challenges associated with stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, and other forms of mental distress. We are here to help guys like you navigate life and live it to the fullest.
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